got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
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