Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
