Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize