who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
Randomize
