i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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