There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
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