Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
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