Our friend ended up naked, bleeding, requesting we throw a couch at him cause he was convinced he could block it
We did he did.
When I say naked, I mean penis exposed. Not in boxers
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
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