Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
