If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
Randomize
