So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
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