the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
