I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
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