Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
Randomize