Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Randomize
