You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
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