I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
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