So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
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