oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
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