I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
I'm passing your future prison.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
