He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
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