you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Randomize
