I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Randomize
