I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
Randomize
