i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
Randomize
