Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
You don't understand, Single Ladies is like the Don't Stop Believing of the gay community.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
You have to summon your inner elephant
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Randomize
