She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
