I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
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