I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
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