and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
