this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
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