saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Randomize
