Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
Randomize
