I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
Randomize
