My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
send nudes
from the living room?
Randomize
