Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
Randomize
