A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize
