she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
