I hate all girls vehemently.
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Randomize
