I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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