She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
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