when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
Randomize
