You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
does wine, beer, and vodka mix well??
dude, everything can mix, this is college.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
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