As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
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