im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Randomize
