just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
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