I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
Randomize
