this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
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