I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Randomize
