I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
Randomize
