I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
Randomize