i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
