Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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