They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
Randomize
