I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
