WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
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