pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
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