nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
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