today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
We smell like vodka and hangover
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