so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
Randomize
