I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
