pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
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